Have A Little Talk With Myself....

The other night as I was drying my hair, I was transported back to some fall afternoon in 1963.  I was 8, and had recently acquired a new friend, Becky.  There were very few girls in my neighborhood for me to play with and Becky had just moved into a corner house that was two story with a detached garage.  I was so excited to find some other girl to play with.  She was a year younger than me, but she had a big family with lots of older sisters, one which was a candy striper at the hospital, which I thought was ultra-cool since I had gone to see Tammy And The Doctor with my grandmother earlier in the year and had fallen in love with Sandra Dee.  Becky invited me to play inside her house and of course, I accepted the invitation like flies on stink.  I don't remember anything else about that day.  I don't remember her room, or what we played.  The next memory I have is of Becky telling me that I could not come into her house again.  We would have to play in the "play house" which was her detached garage, complete with used furniture...full size furniture, as her parents owned a furniture store downtown.  As I was reliving these events, I asked myself what I had done to be forbidden to enter their house again?  Was I that horrible of a child?  Did I break something?  Did I take every toy out that Becky owned and didn't help to put them away? 

That led me to daydreaming of Laura, another of my childhood friends at the age of 9.  When I was....oh, maybe 10.....Laura invited me over after school.  I remember walking into her brick, two story mansion....wow....I had never seen anything like it....and being introduced to her mom, who looked like she was as old as my grandmother.  Laura also had many older brothers and sisters and was the youngest.  I remember waiting while Laura's mom talked to Laura, then Laura returning to tell me we had to play outside.  She had a rabbit named Harvey, so that was fine with me.  I didn't mind.  But now that I think about it, what did Laura's mom say to Laura so that I was not allowed inside her house?  Did I look like someone who would steal some of their nice trinkets?  Was I dirty?  Did I smell?  Laura did stay friends with me through junior high....even came to many of my birthday parties.  Then when high school time came, that was the end of our friendship. I saw her once as an adult and she did speak, but we no longer had that friendship tie.

This made me really depressed thinking about these times.....because as I got older, it seems the friends that were my friends in jr. hi and hi school were really after my brother.  lol  It makes me wonder just what was wrong with me?  I always liked myself. 

As an adult, I have "friends" at work, but really aren't they friendly acquaintances?  I have had a few "friends" who were neighbors, but those friendships never lasted once we or they moved.  My "best friend" has always been my mom, my daughter, or my cousin, Tricia.  Maybe I'm not outgoing.  Maybe I don't smile enough.  Maybe I complain too much.  Maybe that was why my dad didn't take ME to the carnival.  I'm still doing some soul searching.  Pardon me while I do this....it helps me to put it down on this blog, for some reason.  Has anybody else ever felt this way?